Can you smell the sabotage in the air?

After vowing to weigh only once a week I broke down and climbed on the scales this morning – 192.5 freaking pounds. What is going on? I don’t get it; I resolve to get fit last Friday and after maintaining 189 lbs for 4 or 5 months climb up 3.5 lbs. Have been careful of what I ate, was able to do a fitness tape for 20 minutes Monday night, walked around the mall pushing a stroller with a 23 lb baby for 45 minutes last night and still put on weight.

The logical part of my brain tells me that I’m not going to see a change in 4 days especially since I haven’t been doing an hour and a half of cardio but the emotional part (read the female part) is disgusted and hurt that denying myself hasn’t resulted in even a half of a pound loss while following all of my old bad habits didn’t result in a gain – go figure!

Do I have blinders on?

It just seems like my body knows that I’m trying to lose weight so it digs in its big fat heels and refuses to budge. Not only refusing to budge but packs on the pounds as well. Speaking of big fat heels, my shoe size has increased along with my waist size. Back when I wore a size 5 my shoes were 9’s now that I’m in a 14 my shoe size is a 10. Do feet gain weight as well?

Also, though badly wanting a drink of the Tasty Adult Beverage kind I haven’t indulged since the Lemon Drops Saturday night. Had my 2 cups of coffee in the morning and then water, water, water with lemon (and not of the Drop kind) the rest of the day. The thing is that this weight loss thangie is so depressing that I really could use a stiff drink – would like to crawl inside a bottle of Vodka and drown myself. You could read about me in the local newspaper – here is the headline “Big Fat Woman Drowns in Bottle of Vodka” and the subtitle would be “We haven’t figured out just how she fit her fat self in there”.

This is so discouraging!

I’m considering doing something drastic just to be able to see a lower number reflected back at me on the scales. I remember a friend dropping lots of pounds by eating rice – just plain white rice for most of her meals. I’ve been thinking about doing this but including a vitamin so that I can meet my nutritional needs. Maybe I should just do the “Meal Replacement” trick (i.e. slimfast) for 2 meals and then sensible dry baked chicken and raw veggies for dinner. Also talked to someone who had the lap band surgery and she has lost 10 lbs in 4 weeks. She wasn’t 100lbs overweight but still had the procedure done. If I wasn’t such a pussy about going under the knife I would seriously consider this idea.

Big Fat Pussy = Big Fat Woman

Managed to catch “The Biggest Loser” several times and think that it is doing a great thing even if it is exploiting fat people. The thing I wonder about is even though those people lose all that weight how do they handle the emotions that caused the overeating in the first place? This makes me wonder if I am secretly sabotaging myself somehow. I need to log into my FitDay account and start tracking every morsel that passes over these big fat lips so that I can honestly see how many calories I am consuming.

In the bottom of my heart (which is probably fat) I know that I really (REALLY) need to exercise. Why does it seem that when you try to fit exercise into your day things seem to snowball and you just can’t find the damn time. I think that instead of trying to fit 1 ½ hours of exercise in that I’m just going to start small and fit in 20 minutes. Years ago I ran 5 miles a day – every day – with 2 small boys, working fulltime and going to school at night – how did I do that? Looking back it just seemed natural – maybe it was because I made running a priority.

How do I get back to that point?