I will see you lovies sometime next week as we are going out of town and I plan on marinating my cranium in alcohol this weekend.
That and drunken, co-ed, neked sex!
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Watch For Falling Fat Lady!
Can fidgeting be considered a form of exercise? I sure hope so because that is all I’ve managed to accomplish for a couple of days now. That and twiddling my thumbs up my ass - which is only done for the pure pleasure thereof and not for the exercise factor. Actually I have this saying stuck in the back of my mind that goes “A body in motion stays in motion, a body at rest stays at rest”. My brain tells me that since I have to sit at a desk all day at least with the fidgeting I’m moving some. Flawed reasoning at best but it makes me wonder just how many calories you can burn in an hour by fidgeting, probably not as much as I could burn in an hour walking on the treadmill.
Then there was that piece of pecan pie I ate last night right before bedtime. It was dancing around on the counter just screaming out my name so being the nice person that I am – I ate him. **Insert “damn mother-in-law for leaving the damn thing in the damn first place” here** Enjoyed every list sinful bite and considered chasing the crumbs around with my wet finger and licking the gooey stuff off of the plate when I was done but didn’t. I let the cat lick the gooey stuff instead – who said cats don’t have a sweet tooth? While picking up the kitchen it hit me – I ate that pie and I wasn’t even hungry. Now why in the hell did I do that? Do you people realize just how many empty calories were contained in that piece of pecan pie? Of course you do and so do I! Right before bedtime no less.
Someone should spank me!
The thing is that even after eating that piece of pie and enjoying every last bite I actually felt bad afterwards. Both physically and mentally sick and had a hard time going to sleep because I was beating myself up over such a stupid decision. The question “Why, why, why” kept going around and around in my head because I could’ve saved myself, oh, about 700 calories yesterday by simply not eating when I wasn’t hungry. DUH! This, by the way, will take a little over 2 hours to burn off those 700 calories by briskly walking or about an hour at a 9-minute mile dead run.
The other thing is that after eating that pie my heartburn, that hasn’t bothered me in a couple of weeks, flared back up and I had to consume a couple of those chalky horse pills that subdue the fire in my stomach before going to bed. It is something that has been noticed lately – the less sugar consumed = less heartburn and the chocolate WILL be mourned greatly.
So today it was carrot chips with hummus for breakfast (mostly carrots, easy on the hummus), tofu curry and vegetables over rice for lunch and grilled chicken & salad for dinner AND NO DAMN PECAN PIE!
Then there was that piece of pecan pie I ate last night right before bedtime. It was dancing around on the counter just screaming out my name so being the nice person that I am – I ate him. **Insert “damn mother-in-law for leaving the damn thing in the damn first place” here** Enjoyed every list sinful bite and considered chasing the crumbs around with my wet finger and licking the gooey stuff off of the plate when I was done but didn’t. I let the cat lick the gooey stuff instead – who said cats don’t have a sweet tooth? While picking up the kitchen it hit me – I ate that pie and I wasn’t even hungry. Now why in the hell did I do that? Do you people realize just how many empty calories were contained in that piece of pecan pie? Of course you do and so do I! Right before bedtime no less.
Someone should spank me!
The thing is that even after eating that piece of pie and enjoying every last bite I actually felt bad afterwards. Both physically and mentally sick and had a hard time going to sleep because I was beating myself up over such a stupid decision. The question “Why, why, why” kept going around and around in my head because I could’ve saved myself, oh, about 700 calories yesterday by simply not eating when I wasn’t hungry. DUH! This, by the way, will take a little over 2 hours to burn off those 700 calories by briskly walking or about an hour at a 9-minute mile dead run.
The other thing is that after eating that pie my heartburn, that hasn’t bothered me in a couple of weeks, flared back up and I had to consume a couple of those chalky horse pills that subdue the fire in my stomach before going to bed. It is something that has been noticed lately – the less sugar consumed = less heartburn and the chocolate WILL be mourned greatly.
So today it was carrot chips with hummus for breakfast (mostly carrots, easy on the hummus), tofu curry and vegetables over rice for lunch and grilled chicken & salad for dinner AND NO DAMN PECAN PIE!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Fluffy Marshmallow Butts!
Wow – got on the scales this morning and realized that there has been a 6 lb loss in Peanut Butter & Jelloland since starting this weight loss blog on December 2nd and most of it came off my boobs. I really think the accountability has helped – or at least it has made me conscious of what I’m putting into my mouth because I know that I will have to record a weight gain here. Since I’m an overachiever and very competitive I don’t want to have to do that and every time I take a bite of something (or want to) I think about this blog.
For some reason this Holiday season feels different. I decided, a while back, that I wasn’t going to forbid myself anything, just that I would make smarter choices (like cutting a piece of pie in half). If I wanted a piece of fudge then I ate a piece and I even had a piece of pecan pie without feeling guilty about it (my dad makes the most killer pecan pies). The significant thing is that I sat on the floor and shared it with my daughter, whereas in the past I would’ve sucked the whole piece down and eyed the pan to see if I could sneak another piece. I guess that I didn’t feel like this was the last piece of (insert your forbidden food of choice here) that I would ever have and just knowing that I could go get another piece if I wanted. It is a change of mindset. It also makes me wonder exactly why I’ve felt like some foods are forbidden – who started that trend? Was it me or someone else or a combination of the two?
The other thing that helped is that we made Fajitas for our Christmas celebration, instead of the traditional turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, etc… (i.e. fattening stuff with fluffy marshmallows and lots of butter that more closely matches my fluffy ass). The serving of Fajitas was much, much easier than fixing the other stuff and by skipping the tortilla, sour cream and guacamole I was able to consume only grilled chicken, beef with bell peppers and onions so don’t really feel like I consumed too many calories. The family loved it too since everyone is pretty much burnt out on Turkey and Ham by now. We had people arriving for about 4 hours so was able to cook the meat and veggies ahead of time and put them in a warming tray on the counter and let people serve themselves whenever they arrived. This also allowed us to play gracious host/hostess instead of Mr. & Mrs. Chef as in “don’t talk to me I’m in the kitchen cooking and the last thing I need is another WARM body in here – CAN SOMEOME BRING ME A COLD BEER?”
Part of me is really surprised at the weight loss. I realize that it is always easier to lose weight at first (i.e. “water weight”) and that it will slow down or cease with what I’m currently doing and that I will have to up the ante in order to reach my goal. In other news my cousin, who is 1 month older than I, came over Thursday night and the bitch weighs 126 lbs – I hate her! Not really, actually I’m jealous of both her weight and the fact that she got some new boobies that are all perky and firm. I know this because she let me play with them and not in a perverted way.
I also bought my daughter a wagon, which seats 2, for Christmas with the grandiose plans of her momma actually getting off her fluffy butt and pulling the darling child around the neighborhood. She weighs 24 lbs so if we stuff toys in the other seat I should be able to get quite the workout. The nice thing is that the weather was 71 here yesterday and since we have leftover fajitas to eat for dinner tonight I plan on pulling her around for 30 minutes when we get home.
I hope everyone had the Celebration of their wishing and got everything their hearts desired.
For some reason this Holiday season feels different. I decided, a while back, that I wasn’t going to forbid myself anything, just that I would make smarter choices (like cutting a piece of pie in half). If I wanted a piece of fudge then I ate a piece and I even had a piece of pecan pie without feeling guilty about it (my dad makes the most killer pecan pies). The significant thing is that I sat on the floor and shared it with my daughter, whereas in the past I would’ve sucked the whole piece down and eyed the pan to see if I could sneak another piece. I guess that I didn’t feel like this was the last piece of (insert your forbidden food of choice here) that I would ever have and just knowing that I could go get another piece if I wanted. It is a change of mindset. It also makes me wonder exactly why I’ve felt like some foods are forbidden – who started that trend? Was it me or someone else or a combination of the two?
The other thing that helped is that we made Fajitas for our Christmas celebration, instead of the traditional turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, etc… (i.e. fattening stuff with fluffy marshmallows and lots of butter that more closely matches my fluffy ass). The serving of Fajitas was much, much easier than fixing the other stuff and by skipping the tortilla, sour cream and guacamole I was able to consume only grilled chicken, beef with bell peppers and onions so don’t really feel like I consumed too many calories. The family loved it too since everyone is pretty much burnt out on Turkey and Ham by now. We had people arriving for about 4 hours so was able to cook the meat and veggies ahead of time and put them in a warming tray on the counter and let people serve themselves whenever they arrived. This also allowed us to play gracious host/hostess instead of Mr. & Mrs. Chef as in “don’t talk to me I’m in the kitchen cooking and the last thing I need is another WARM body in here – CAN SOMEOME BRING ME A COLD BEER?”
Part of me is really surprised at the weight loss. I realize that it is always easier to lose weight at first (i.e. “water weight”) and that it will slow down or cease with what I’m currently doing and that I will have to up the ante in order to reach my goal. In other news my cousin, who is 1 month older than I, came over Thursday night and the bitch weighs 126 lbs – I hate her! Not really, actually I’m jealous of both her weight and the fact that she got some new boobies that are all perky and firm. I know this because she let me play with them and not in a perverted way.
I also bought my daughter a wagon, which seats 2, for Christmas with the grandiose plans of her momma actually getting off her fluffy butt and pulling the darling child around the neighborhood. She weighs 24 lbs so if we stuff toys in the other seat I should be able to get quite the workout. The nice thing is that the weather was 71 here yesterday and since we have leftover fajitas to eat for dinner tonight I plan on pulling her around for 30 minutes when we get home.
I hope everyone had the Celebration of their wishing and got everything their hearts desired.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Surprise!! Surprise!!
Well - Aunt Flow arrived this morning, just as expected, but the unexpected part was a pound lost somewhere in the covers overnight. This really surprised me as I haven't exactly behaved in the eating realm this week. We have ordered out twice this week because of trying to get a bathroom back in order before twenty freaking five people show up for Christmas Eve and the small fact that we really don't want to tell them to "just pee in the hole in the floor". Knowing my family someone will miss and piss all over the new wallpaper and yellow absolutely isn't any part of my color scheme unless it comes out of the babies diaper.
The first night it was Italian - some kind of pasta floating around in a buttery cheesey sauce and last night it was pizza. Both nights I did eat salad first before diving into and swimming around in the yummy goodness. Plus I might have had 2 or 3 teeny tiny beers last night while working on the bathroom. Today at work they provided us lunch - enchiladas. Not good!!! Not that the enchiladas weren't good as they were great but their choice of what to provide us just isn't a good idea for my waistline. Then there was that whole dessert tray full of chocolate and me on the rag. Not a good combination at all. So right now I'm inhaling something called a Molten Chocolate Volcano cake - which is this German chocolate cake concoction that oozes with a cream cheese/coconut/pecan mixture when you cut into it. I can actually feel it adding itself to my hips with every bite.
I'm thinking I'm going to lick my plate clean anyways.
Tonight is a small celebration with cousins where fajitas will be served so I can skip the sour cream, guacamole and tortilla filling up on the grilled chicken, bell peppers and onions instead. The only obstacle here is that one of my female cousins is getting a divorce after 23 years of marriage and she will be bending my ear all night in the hot tub while getting drunk off Lemon Drops so maybe I can have lemonade put into my glass instead and trick her into thinking I'm getting drunk with her without actually consuming the metabolism slowing alcoholic tasty adult beverage of choice.
I hope everyone has the Holiday of their wishes this year.
The first night it was Italian - some kind of pasta floating around in a buttery cheesey sauce and last night it was pizza. Both nights I did eat salad first before diving into and swimming around in the yummy goodness. Plus I might have had 2 or 3 teeny tiny beers last night while working on the bathroom. Today at work they provided us lunch - enchiladas. Not good!!! Not that the enchiladas weren't good as they were great but their choice of what to provide us just isn't a good idea for my waistline. Then there was that whole dessert tray full of chocolate and me on the rag. Not a good combination at all. So right now I'm inhaling something called a Molten Chocolate Volcano cake - which is this German chocolate cake concoction that oozes with a cream cheese/coconut/pecan mixture when you cut into it. I can actually feel it adding itself to my hips with every bite.
I'm thinking I'm going to lick my plate clean anyways.
Tonight is a small celebration with cousins where fajitas will be served so I can skip the sour cream, guacamole and tortilla filling up on the grilled chicken, bell peppers and onions instead. The only obstacle here is that one of my female cousins is getting a divorce after 23 years of marriage and she will be bending my ear all night in the hot tub while getting drunk off Lemon Drops so maybe I can have lemonade put into my glass instead and trick her into thinking I'm getting drunk with her without actually consuming the metabolism slowing alcoholic tasty adult beverage of choice.
I hope everyone has the Holiday of their wishes this year.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Ughhhhh!
There is nothing new to report on the weight loss endeavor. I haven’t been exercising or eating right and while there hasn’t been any gained there hasn’t been any lost either. Plus I’m due to receive my Aunt Flow either tonight or tomorrow morning so the lack of weight loss isn’t exactly a surprise. My body is telling me to just eat everything in sight but my brain is saying “No, No, have the carrot sticks instead” – damn brain why does it have to go and be all logical about stuff? Whose brain is this anyway?
The Holiday time (there that should piss off the Christians) is extremely busy and every night there is something to do. Haven’t wrapped any Christmas presents so that is on the plate tonight instead of the Chocolate covered almonds that want to be on the plate. Plus we started a slight remodel of the main bathroom and the wallpaper needs to jump itself on the walls sometime between now and Saturday night. How smart was that to start a remodel and then invite 20 relatives and friends over for Christmas Eve? Where was my brain then – Huh??? Huh???
Oh I see – it can advise me to eat the carrot sticks but left the room when the whole remodel discussion was going on. That’s it! I’m firing my brain.
I want a new brain for Christmas to go with that miracle wrapped in a gold bow!
The Holiday time (there that should piss off the Christians) is extremely busy and every night there is something to do. Haven’t wrapped any Christmas presents so that is on the plate tonight instead of the Chocolate covered almonds that want to be on the plate. Plus we started a slight remodel of the main bathroom and the wallpaper needs to jump itself on the walls sometime between now and Saturday night. How smart was that to start a remodel and then invite 20 relatives and friends over for Christmas Eve? Where was my brain then – Huh??? Huh???
Oh I see – it can advise me to eat the carrot sticks but left the room when the whole remodel discussion was going on. That’s it! I’m firing my brain.
I want a new brain for Christmas to go with that miracle wrapped in a gold bow!
Monday, December 19, 2005
Fit-less in Seattle
I ran into a co-worker in the hallway just now. “Wow – have you lost weight?” she asks. I giggled nervously wondering if 3.5 lb loss on someone who weighs as much as I do can really be noticed – out loud I said “Yes, 3 ½ lbs”. She says “Wow” **insert large eyes here** “How did you do it?” and then eyes glistening with lust as she leans forward to hear my “secret”. “Diet and exercise” I replied. It took some of the wind out of her sails and she cast her eyes towards the floor disappointed. I get what she is feeling. No miracles, no diet pills, no angels flying down from heaven to chip off the fat that has accumulated around on my backside. It happened the old fashion way.
Diet and exercise!
Two 4 letter words – hey wait one of those words has more than 4 letters in it – oh never mind it is still a 4-letter word. I know that the weight will come off faster in the beginning because some of it is probably water weight and as time progresses and if I progress then I will have to work harder and harder to lose. Don’t we all, in some way or another, wish there was a “magic pill” that we could take and without having to put forth any effort or even think about it the weight would magically disappear just the way that it appeared – without us having to think about it. I think that is the reason why the diet industry as a whole does so well. We all are just looking for a miracle that we can purchase and put under the tree with all the other presents.
I think I want mine to have a gold bow!
Diet and exercise!
Two 4 letter words – hey wait one of those words has more than 4 letters in it – oh never mind it is still a 4-letter word. I know that the weight will come off faster in the beginning because some of it is probably water weight and as time progresses and if I progress then I will have to work harder and harder to lose. Don’t we all, in some way or another, wish there was a “magic pill” that we could take and without having to put forth any effort or even think about it the weight would magically disappear just the way that it appeared – without us having to think about it. I think that is the reason why the diet industry as a whole does so well. We all are just looking for a miracle that we can purchase and put under the tree with all the other presents.
I think I want mine to have a gold bow!
Friday, December 16, 2005
Why I Can't Fit!
I decided something.
I’m going to change my goal of losing 49 lbs to just losing 9 lbs. I’m not going to change the ticker above because loosing 49 lbs is my ultimate goal but it seems rather un-daunting. 9 lbs seems like a more realistic goal and certainly is doable for me. 9 isn’t such an unobtainable number. My plan for now is to lose 9 lbs in the next 9 weeks – which should put me at 180 lbs by Friday, February 17, 2006.
That doesn’t sound so bad now does it - 180 lbs by Valentines Day?
It is a little game I will play out in my head – something to trick myself with. I realize that I didn’t get here in just 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or even 1 year and losing a pound a week it would take me nearly a year to lose the 49 excess pounds that have squirreled themselves away on this body of mine. Damn those squirrels – I’m thinking they would make a rather tasty stew with creamy mashed potatoes and some homemade rolls dripping in butter on the side. 1 year certainly sounds like a long time and also is very discouraging whereas 9 weeks sounds much easier to obtain. Much more controllable and I’m all about control.
Too many times, in the past, I have set a goal date to lose those nasty 49 lbs and too many times I have failed. I think that I have been putting too much pressure on myself but I also realize that I haven’t made exercising a priority. I want those bags of fat to “just go away” without me having to think about them – much like the way they arrived. But the “not thinking about it” is what got me in trouble the first time and I’m not talking about the “not thinking about it” causing a pregnancy out of wedlock either. Really – I’m getting too old to not think about it anymore or to get pregnant.
I have OCD and I finally realized that when I try to lose weight I go all out. Exercising like a crazy woman – hey wait I am a crazy woman – cutting out EVERYTHING in the food chain that is “bad” – which translates into anything with flavor - and obsessing on what the scale says. In reality I’m going overboard and hurting my chances of obtaining my goal – then when I don’t reach that goal it frustrates me to no end and I wallow around in food. Telling myself that it isn’t my fault, that my metabolism doesn’t work, that I’m destined to be fluffy for the rest of my life – but that just isn’t true.
It IS my fault.
My metabolism WILL work the way it is supposed to if I exercise something besides 12 ounce curls.
I’m NOT destined to be fluffy.
Lastly – I’m the only person who can do anything about this!!!!! (notice the overuse of exclamation points)
I’m not going to deny myself food anymore as this approach just doesn’t work for me. But I am going to be smart about food choices. If I want chocolate then I will eat some chocolate – this time it will be a Hershey's Kiss instead of the whole Hershey’s bar. If someone offers me cake or pie then I will eat it, but I will cut the piece in half first and give the other half back. If I want something crunchy then I will munch on carrots, celery or an apple, something sweet then a piece of fruit and if either of those cravings isn’t satisfied then I will eat chips or candy – just not the whole bag. I will get out what I intend on eating, close up the bag or box and put it in the back of the cupboard. I can do this – 9 lbs isn’t so bad!
Next week we will be discussing exercise! Now doesn’t that sound exciting?
I’m going to change my goal of losing 49 lbs to just losing 9 lbs. I’m not going to change the ticker above because loosing 49 lbs is my ultimate goal but it seems rather un-daunting. 9 lbs seems like a more realistic goal and certainly is doable for me. 9 isn’t such an unobtainable number. My plan for now is to lose 9 lbs in the next 9 weeks – which should put me at 180 lbs by Friday, February 17, 2006.
That doesn’t sound so bad now does it - 180 lbs by Valentines Day?
It is a little game I will play out in my head – something to trick myself with. I realize that I didn’t get here in just 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or even 1 year and losing a pound a week it would take me nearly a year to lose the 49 excess pounds that have squirreled themselves away on this body of mine. Damn those squirrels – I’m thinking they would make a rather tasty stew with creamy mashed potatoes and some homemade rolls dripping in butter on the side. 1 year certainly sounds like a long time and also is very discouraging whereas 9 weeks sounds much easier to obtain. Much more controllable and I’m all about control.
Too many times, in the past, I have set a goal date to lose those nasty 49 lbs and too many times I have failed. I think that I have been putting too much pressure on myself but I also realize that I haven’t made exercising a priority. I want those bags of fat to “just go away” without me having to think about them – much like the way they arrived. But the “not thinking about it” is what got me in trouble the first time and I’m not talking about the “not thinking about it” causing a pregnancy out of wedlock either. Really – I’m getting too old to not think about it anymore or to get pregnant.
I have OCD and I finally realized that when I try to lose weight I go all out. Exercising like a crazy woman – hey wait I am a crazy woman – cutting out EVERYTHING in the food chain that is “bad” – which translates into anything with flavor - and obsessing on what the scale says. In reality I’m going overboard and hurting my chances of obtaining my goal – then when I don’t reach that goal it frustrates me to no end and I wallow around in food. Telling myself that it isn’t my fault, that my metabolism doesn’t work, that I’m destined to be fluffy for the rest of my life – but that just isn’t true.
It IS my fault.
My metabolism WILL work the way it is supposed to if I exercise something besides 12 ounce curls.
I’m NOT destined to be fluffy.
Lastly – I’m the only person who can do anything about this!!!!! (notice the overuse of exclamation points)
I’m not going to deny myself food anymore as this approach just doesn’t work for me. But I am going to be smart about food choices. If I want chocolate then I will eat some chocolate – this time it will be a Hershey's Kiss instead of the whole Hershey’s bar. If someone offers me cake or pie then I will eat it, but I will cut the piece in half first and give the other half back. If I want something crunchy then I will munch on carrots, celery or an apple, something sweet then a piece of fruit and if either of those cravings isn’t satisfied then I will eat chips or candy – just not the whole bag. I will get out what I intend on eating, close up the bag or box and put it in the back of the cupboard. I can do this – 9 lbs isn’t so bad!
Next week we will be discussing exercise! Now doesn’t that sound exciting?
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Care to care?????
I did something out of the ordinary two weeks ago. Well, not that anything I do is ordinary, but rather out of the ordinary for me. I cleaned out my closet and got rid of EVERYTHING that didn’t fit. Yes, I stood in my closet for hours trying everything on and if it fit it got hung back up – if not then into the Goodwill pile it went. Three garbage bags were donated to Goodwill the next day – can you say “Tax Write-off?”. I can! Letting go of the “me” I used to be and accepted that the “me” (all of me) looking back from the mirror, is who I am, was rather tough.
My reasoning for cleaning out the closet (besides the fact that I could use the extra space) is that if and when I lose weight then the reward will be new clothes in a smaller size and not that Chocolate cheesecake I really want. When I lose the weight they will be even more out of style and hanging onto them is really sad and depressing and unrealistic.
I also accepted the fact that I won’t ever be a size 3 or even a size 5 or maybe a size 7 again and that is ok. Right now I would just settle for not having my thighs brush together anymore. That and the nasty roll/fold/flap that somehow grew on my back, below the bra but above the waist - it makes me feel like a Shar Pei. The clothes hanging in my closet were out of style.
Welcome to the real world of I Can’t Fit! It is like getting a bucket of cold ice water thrown in your face – only now you have fat rolls to trap the little pieces of ice in.
The epiphany was somewhere along the way I stopped caring. Once upon a time I was a rather nice dresser and enjoyed looking nice. Not wanting to face the clothes size creeping up into the double digits caused me to hate shopping and only buy what was extremely necessary. When my waist (and the rest of my ass) expanded even more and I couldn’t force my fatness into the dress clothes hanging in my closet then I resorted to wearing jeans. Jeans are perfectly acceptable where I work and I accepted that, except that I also stopped shaving my legs every day and sometimes wore a baseball cap because my hair was greasy from lack of shampoo application.
The picture here is that somewhere along the way I stopped caring about me. This created a vicious cycle of me not caring and the weight creeping up because I was no longer taking care of myself. Getting rid of the clothes was like exfoliating your skin it was a cleansing. A purging but not like the purging I did when I was anorexic as this kind of purging won’t eat at the lining of my esophagus nor deplete my body of necessary vitamins and minerals.
Then I did a horrible, horrible thing. I bought new clothes – yes I went shopping, and actually tried on everything I liked in a size 14 and bought some of it. That felt good and so did the compliments I started receiving at work so I bought some more. I tried on shirts in a XL – a size that wouldn’t fit so snuggly as to show off all of my currently owned *ahem* curves. Something that actually flattered my figure and I didn’t have to tug and pull at it all day. Finally I can sit at my desk without having the blood cut off from the bottom half of my body because my waistband is too tight.
And that my friends is a good thing.
My reasoning for cleaning out the closet (besides the fact that I could use the extra space) is that if and when I lose weight then the reward will be new clothes in a smaller size and not that Chocolate cheesecake I really want. When I lose the weight they will be even more out of style and hanging onto them is really sad and depressing and unrealistic.
I also accepted the fact that I won’t ever be a size 3 or even a size 5 or maybe a size 7 again and that is ok. Right now I would just settle for not having my thighs brush together anymore. That and the nasty roll/fold/flap that somehow grew on my back, below the bra but above the waist - it makes me feel like a Shar Pei. The clothes hanging in my closet were out of style.
Welcome to the real world of I Can’t Fit! It is like getting a bucket of cold ice water thrown in your face – only now you have fat rolls to trap the little pieces of ice in.
The epiphany was somewhere along the way I stopped caring. Once upon a time I was a rather nice dresser and enjoyed looking nice. Not wanting to face the clothes size creeping up into the double digits caused me to hate shopping and only buy what was extremely necessary. When my waist (and the rest of my ass) expanded even more and I couldn’t force my fatness into the dress clothes hanging in my closet then I resorted to wearing jeans. Jeans are perfectly acceptable where I work and I accepted that, except that I also stopped shaving my legs every day and sometimes wore a baseball cap because my hair was greasy from lack of shampoo application.
The picture here is that somewhere along the way I stopped caring about me. This created a vicious cycle of me not caring and the weight creeping up because I was no longer taking care of myself. Getting rid of the clothes was like exfoliating your skin it was a cleansing. A purging but not like the purging I did when I was anorexic as this kind of purging won’t eat at the lining of my esophagus nor deplete my body of necessary vitamins and minerals.
Then I did a horrible, horrible thing. I bought new clothes – yes I went shopping, and actually tried on everything I liked in a size 14 and bought some of it. That felt good and so did the compliments I started receiving at work so I bought some more. I tried on shirts in a XL – a size that wouldn’t fit so snuggly as to show off all of my currently owned *ahem* curves. Something that actually flattered my figure and I didn’t have to tug and pull at it all day. Finally I can sit at my desk without having the blood cut off from the bottom half of my body because my waistband is too tight.
And that my friends is a good thing.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Can you smell the sabotage in the air?
After vowing to weigh only once a week I broke down and climbed on the scales this morning – 192.5 freaking pounds. What is going on? I don’t get it; I resolve to get fit last Friday and after maintaining 189 lbs for 4 or 5 months climb up 3.5 lbs. Have been careful of what I ate, was able to do a fitness tape for 20 minutes Monday night, walked around the mall pushing a stroller with a 23 lb baby for 45 minutes last night and still put on weight.
The logical part of my brain tells me that I’m not going to see a change in 4 days especially since I haven’t been doing an hour and a half of cardio but the emotional part (read the female part) is disgusted and hurt that denying myself hasn’t resulted in even a half of a pound loss while following all of my old bad habits didn’t result in a gain – go figure!
Do I have blinders on?
It just seems like my body knows that I’m trying to lose weight so it digs in its big fat heels and refuses to budge. Not only refusing to budge but packs on the pounds as well. Speaking of big fat heels, my shoe size has increased along with my waist size. Back when I wore a size 5 my shoes were 9’s now that I’m in a 14 my shoe size is a 10. Do feet gain weight as well?
Also, though badly wanting a drink of the Tasty Adult Beverage kind I haven’t indulged since the Lemon Drops Saturday night. Had my 2 cups of coffee in the morning and then water, water, water with lemon (and not of the Drop kind) the rest of the day. The thing is that this weight loss thangie is so depressing that I really could use a stiff drink – would like to crawl inside a bottle of Vodka and drown myself. You could read about me in the local newspaper – here is the headline “Big Fat Woman Drowns in Bottle of Vodka” and the subtitle would be “We haven’t figured out just how she fit her fat self in there”.
This is so discouraging!
I’m considering doing something drastic just to be able to see a lower number reflected back at me on the scales. I remember a friend dropping lots of pounds by eating rice – just plain white rice for most of her meals. I’ve been thinking about doing this but including a vitamin so that I can meet my nutritional needs. Maybe I should just do the “Meal Replacement” trick (i.e. slimfast) for 2 meals and then sensible dry baked chicken and raw veggies for dinner. Also talked to someone who had the lap band surgery and she has lost 10 lbs in 4 weeks. She wasn’t 100lbs overweight but still had the procedure done. If I wasn’t such a pussy about going under the knife I would seriously consider this idea.
Big Fat Pussy = Big Fat Woman
Managed to catch “The Biggest Loser” several times and think that it is doing a great thing even if it is exploiting fat people. The thing I wonder about is even though those people lose all that weight how do they handle the emotions that caused the overeating in the first place? This makes me wonder if I am secretly sabotaging myself somehow. I need to log into my FitDay account and start tracking every morsel that passes over these big fat lips so that I can honestly see how many calories I am consuming.
In the bottom of my heart (which is probably fat) I know that I really (REALLY) need to exercise. Why does it seem that when you try to fit exercise into your day things seem to snowball and you just can’t find the damn time. I think that instead of trying to fit 1 ½ hours of exercise in that I’m just going to start small and fit in 20 minutes. Years ago I ran 5 miles a day – every day – with 2 small boys, working fulltime and going to school at night – how did I do that? Looking back it just seemed natural – maybe it was because I made running a priority.
How do I get back to that point?
The logical part of my brain tells me that I’m not going to see a change in 4 days especially since I haven’t been doing an hour and a half of cardio but the emotional part (read the female part) is disgusted and hurt that denying myself hasn’t resulted in even a half of a pound loss while following all of my old bad habits didn’t result in a gain – go figure!
Do I have blinders on?
It just seems like my body knows that I’m trying to lose weight so it digs in its big fat heels and refuses to budge. Not only refusing to budge but packs on the pounds as well. Speaking of big fat heels, my shoe size has increased along with my waist size. Back when I wore a size 5 my shoes were 9’s now that I’m in a 14 my shoe size is a 10. Do feet gain weight as well?
Also, though badly wanting a drink of the Tasty Adult Beverage kind I haven’t indulged since the Lemon Drops Saturday night. Had my 2 cups of coffee in the morning and then water, water, water with lemon (and not of the Drop kind) the rest of the day. The thing is that this weight loss thangie is so depressing that I really could use a stiff drink – would like to crawl inside a bottle of Vodka and drown myself. You could read about me in the local newspaper – here is the headline “Big Fat Woman Drowns in Bottle of Vodka” and the subtitle would be “We haven’t figured out just how she fit her fat self in there”.
This is so discouraging!
I’m considering doing something drastic just to be able to see a lower number reflected back at me on the scales. I remember a friend dropping lots of pounds by eating rice – just plain white rice for most of her meals. I’ve been thinking about doing this but including a vitamin so that I can meet my nutritional needs. Maybe I should just do the “Meal Replacement” trick (i.e. slimfast) for 2 meals and then sensible dry baked chicken and raw veggies for dinner. Also talked to someone who had the lap band surgery and she has lost 10 lbs in 4 weeks. She wasn’t 100lbs overweight but still had the procedure done. If I wasn’t such a pussy about going under the knife I would seriously consider this idea.
Big Fat Pussy = Big Fat Woman
Managed to catch “The Biggest Loser” several times and think that it is doing a great thing even if it is exploiting fat people. The thing I wonder about is even though those people lose all that weight how do they handle the emotions that caused the overeating in the first place? This makes me wonder if I am secretly sabotaging myself somehow. I need to log into my FitDay account and start tracking every morsel that passes over these big fat lips so that I can honestly see how many calories I am consuming.
In the bottom of my heart (which is probably fat) I know that I really (REALLY) need to exercise. Why does it seem that when you try to fit exercise into your day things seem to snowball and you just can’t find the damn time. I think that instead of trying to fit 1 ½ hours of exercise in that I’m just going to start small and fit in 20 minutes. Years ago I ran 5 miles a day – every day – with 2 small boys, working fulltime and going to school at night – how did I do that? Looking back it just seemed natural – maybe it was because I made running a priority.
How do I get back to that point?
Monday, December 05, 2005
Grand Illusions
Weekend workout plans were cancelled.
Now these are just excuses but after my epiphany Friday I had big plans of going home, dusting off the treadmill and logging in some time on the hour’s meter. Grand illusions are more like it. What happened in reality is that my son had a sporting event Friday afternoon and while arriving at the event at 4:30 we didn’t get home until almost 9. Once arriving home it is my responsibility to get little Princess asleep. The Mr. and I have an agreement that he bathes her and I get her to sleep that way we share parenting responsibilities. Well – she must’ve heard about my resolve to exercise because what normally only takes about 10 minutes took over an hour – yeppers it took me an hour to coax that little sweetheart that it was nighty- night time. We will blame this one on the 3 hour nap that Grandma let her have.
Coming out of her room at 10 pm kinda blew any grand illusions I had about exercising. I guess I’m hoping if I just think about it the weight will start melting off with just mind-power. Hey, that’s a thought – maybe I need to start meditating and visualizing the fat melting and dripping off my body – then I can market and sell the technique and become rich enough to hire a personal trainer. Nah – if I lost enough weight to market the technique then I wouldn’t need a personal trainer – damn Catch 22.
The rest of the weekend was spent putting up Christmas lights, Christmas shopping and cleaning the house. It was busy, busy, busy but I didn’t manage to fit in any exercise except for pushing Princess around the neighborhood in her stroller to look at Christmas lights Saturday night with a Lemon Drop in one hand so I’m gonna guess that the alcohol more than offset the leisurely wandering. Oh and I did help the Mr. carry a 10ft Christmas tree into the house, string it with lights and hang decorations on it but he vacuumed so there was a missed opportunity for a little exercise.
I’m wondering if starting a weight loss program during the Holidays is a very smart idea but then again people generally put on 10 lbs during the holidays so maybe starting one right now will keep me from putting on the 10 lbs in the first place. I’m also wondering if some kind of diet pill might help kick-start the sluggish old metabolism and the ensuing weight loss, no matter how small, will help with the sluggish mind frame. I really want to weigh myself every damn day but think that maybe a weekly weigh-in is better because the daily reminder of not seeing the scale move will be depressing. Friday seems like a nice day to weigh myself because I’m usually able to control myself during the week and are bad on the weekends.
Hmmmm – maybe I need a spanking.
Now these are just excuses but after my epiphany Friday I had big plans of going home, dusting off the treadmill and logging in some time on the hour’s meter. Grand illusions are more like it. What happened in reality is that my son had a sporting event Friday afternoon and while arriving at the event at 4:30 we didn’t get home until almost 9. Once arriving home it is my responsibility to get little Princess asleep. The Mr. and I have an agreement that he bathes her and I get her to sleep that way we share parenting responsibilities. Well – she must’ve heard about my resolve to exercise because what normally only takes about 10 minutes took over an hour – yeppers it took me an hour to coax that little sweetheart that it was nighty- night time. We will blame this one on the 3 hour nap that Grandma let her have.
Coming out of her room at 10 pm kinda blew any grand illusions I had about exercising. I guess I’m hoping if I just think about it the weight will start melting off with just mind-power. Hey, that’s a thought – maybe I need to start meditating and visualizing the fat melting and dripping off my body – then I can market and sell the technique and become rich enough to hire a personal trainer. Nah – if I lost enough weight to market the technique then I wouldn’t need a personal trainer – damn Catch 22.
The rest of the weekend was spent putting up Christmas lights, Christmas shopping and cleaning the house. It was busy, busy, busy but I didn’t manage to fit in any exercise except for pushing Princess around the neighborhood in her stroller to look at Christmas lights Saturday night with a Lemon Drop in one hand so I’m gonna guess that the alcohol more than offset the leisurely wandering. Oh and I did help the Mr. carry a 10ft Christmas tree into the house, string it with lights and hang decorations on it but he vacuumed so there was a missed opportunity for a little exercise.
I’m wondering if starting a weight loss program during the Holidays is a very smart idea but then again people generally put on 10 lbs during the holidays so maybe starting one right now will keep me from putting on the 10 lbs in the first place. I’m also wondering if some kind of diet pill might help kick-start the sluggish old metabolism and the ensuing weight loss, no matter how small, will help with the sluggish mind frame. I really want to weigh myself every damn day but think that maybe a weekly weigh-in is better because the daily reminder of not seeing the scale move will be depressing. Friday seems like a nice day to weigh myself because I’m usually able to control myself during the week and are bad on the weekends.
Hmmmm – maybe I need a spanking.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Weight loss
I have another blog that is about my life and daily musings but currently have so many people that I interact with over there that I’m not comfortable posting my weight loss struggle on it. Sad – isn’t it? That I’m not comfortable discussing my weight-loss struggles or weight issues in general with my online imaginary friends. Not that they are all imaginary because I have met several of them in “real” life and have plans to meet several more next month. I wonder what picture they have of me in their heads and if the real me will disappoint them.
Disappoint – huh.
Isn’t it sad to think that I associate being overweight with people being disappointed in me? I’m disappointed in myself! Have been thinking for a while about starting a weight loss blog because it would give me some accountability. I would be accountable to my weight loss blog to face the truth and post my current weight and any and all attempts and endeavors to lose said excessive baggage.
Excessive baggage – wouldn’t you just like to leave that at the bus stop like a fake bomb! It would be funny to see the bomb squad move in and detonate the bag and realize that it was only 50 lbs of fat. Reminds me of the time, years ago, that Oprah wheeled out 40 lbs of fat in a wagon on her show – fat to represent what she had lost. I think Oprah looks better now than she ever did but I also think she is in a healthier place both emotionally and mentally regardless of her dress size.
It will also give me a chance to discuss and try to get to the root of the weight issues that have plagued me (and now my sister) most of my life. My family knows about my other blog and I have to be careful about posting anything sensitive over there that might hurt my mom’s feelings. My mom is the basis for my weight issues. I see that now but don’t want to bring it to her attention and accuse her because she likes to remain in her fantasy world surrounded by fairytales and flutterbys.
I’m fat - I’m tired of the fantasy and I’m tired of the secrets.
**deep breath**
I’m a 41 yr old female and weigh 189 lbs as of 5am today. Lets see what I can do about it!
Disappoint – huh.
Isn’t it sad to think that I associate being overweight with people being disappointed in me? I’m disappointed in myself! Have been thinking for a while about starting a weight loss blog because it would give me some accountability. I would be accountable to my weight loss blog to face the truth and post my current weight and any and all attempts and endeavors to lose said excessive baggage.
Excessive baggage – wouldn’t you just like to leave that at the bus stop like a fake bomb! It would be funny to see the bomb squad move in and detonate the bag and realize that it was only 50 lbs of fat. Reminds me of the time, years ago, that Oprah wheeled out 40 lbs of fat in a wagon on her show – fat to represent what she had lost. I think Oprah looks better now than she ever did but I also think she is in a healthier place both emotionally and mentally regardless of her dress size.
It will also give me a chance to discuss and try to get to the root of the weight issues that have plagued me (and now my sister) most of my life. My family knows about my other blog and I have to be careful about posting anything sensitive over there that might hurt my mom’s feelings. My mom is the basis for my weight issues. I see that now but don’t want to bring it to her attention and accuse her because she likes to remain in her fantasy world surrounded by fairytales and flutterbys.
I’m fat - I’m tired of the fantasy and I’m tired of the secrets.
**deep breath**
I’m a 41 yr old female and weigh 189 lbs as of 5am today. Lets see what I can do about it!
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