Addictions

I dreamt last night that I was running.

Many years ago, when I worked in another city and before my divorce I ran 5 miles at lunch. I didn’t miss a day and the feeling the running released was much like a drug. I was addicted to running. I guess that really isn’t a bad thing to be addicted to. The marriage was horrible and the man I married turned out to be abusive, both physically and mentally. Running was my release. It was my way of dealing with all the anger that was building up inside of me because I couldn’t lash out at him.

When I left him I stopped running because my lunch hour now needed to be spent making up time missed due to being drug into court 19 times in the 2 years it took to get the divorce finalized. I wasn’t able to run before or after work because I had custody of our 2 small boys and didn’t want to leave them at the house by themselves while I ran.

When I met the current Mister he was the total opposite of the former asshole Mister in both looks and personality. He made it ok for me to be me. When my weight started to climb and other health problems cropped up the current Mister is the one who urged me to seek medical help to figure out what was wrong. Not because he wanted me to lose weight but because the screwy hormones changed my personality and he wanted his wife back - fat or thin it didn’t matter. I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and put on medication to give my body the hormones it was no longer capable of creating on its own. Regardless of what they tell you the thyroid hormones won’t fix the weight problem or sluggish metabolism that result from inadequate natural hormones. You have to be active and exercise to fix that.

I have blamed my weight and an assortment of other problems on my thyroid over the years not willing to accept that the blame rested squarely on my shoulders. DUH! Of course you are going to gain weight when you go from running 5 miles a day and chasing 2 little boys around to sitting on the couch munching on chips and dip. I know that exercise is the key for me and that I really need to start exercising to see this weight drop off.

I went to the Doctor last night for the lower abdomen pain and he started me on a round of antibiotics because his initial thought is that it is either a bladder infection or an inflammation of the colon. He did assure me that it had absolutely nothing to do with the green tea that I’ve been drinking and he told me to keep drinking the green tea because it is very good for you. I should’ve exercised last night but used the excuse that I’m sick to not crawl on the treadmill. I also called off work today because it hurts to sit and I’m very uncomfortable at work. I feel like I have a rock in my abdomen.

While lying in bed this morning (right after the running dream) I still had my eyes closed and was remembering the feeling I used to experience – the euphoria from running. So I started clicking back through my memories to when I started running and distinctly remember that when I started I couldn’t even run a mile and hated every minute of it. I didn’t think that I would ever run 5 miles a day and like it. Somehow, without my actually realizing it, I was running every day and even worked it into my schedule when we went on vacation (ever ran through Las Vegas- I have?)

I think that I’m going to actually schedule my treadmill time and allow myself 10 minutes of meditation right before I hop on the treadmill so that I can remember what it felt like, all those years ago, to be addicted to running. This post is mostly so that I can look back at it on those days that I don't feel like running and remind myself that if I keep it up some day I will be addicted to running again.