Where OCD meets Shallow Hal

I have a small confession to make. Ok, ok it is a rather large confession but let’s just brush it under the rug after we write about it – O.K.?

The confession is this: I, at one time in my life, suffered from anorexia/bulimia.

After standing 5’8” and weighing 130 lbs (132 lbs when I was on the rag) until I was 29 years old I quickly spun out of control and dropped down to 117 lbs. To put this into perspective I normally (not that I’m normal) wore a size 7 and dropped down to a size 3. It was WAY to thin on my frame and definitely wasn’t very healthy nor did I employ a healthy way to lose the weight. I sustained myself on 1 coke a day and if and when I tried to eat – most of it would come back up.

I’m not trying to rub this in anyone’s face just stating some facts so that you (and I) know that I have the ability to spin out of control. I suffer from OCD and occasionally it rears its ugly little head at the most odd times. Most of the time it can be satisfied with turning all the pots and pan handles a certain way, C-folding all the towels, arranging the cookbooks from largest to smallest and cleaning the corners of the floors with q-tips – but sometimes it needs to be fed with more drastic measures.

The thing is this – I lost 2 lbs over the weekend and when I climbed on the scales (again) this morning I had dropped another pound - three pounds in three days. When I got to work today I started feeling a little crampy so pulled out the calendar so see when Aunt Flow is supposed to arrive for her mini-vacation. She is due to day. What woman, in her right mind, loses weight the day she is due to receive her precious Aunt Flow? Not that I’ve ever claimed to be in my right mind but come on.

Not me, not ever!!!!!

Shallow Hal boarded the ship because of the dinner date we have this weekend, at PF Changs, with friends. One girl has spat out 2 children in 12 months (yes they are 4 days shy of being exactly 12 months apart) and she has already returned to her pre-pre-pregnancy weight. Another gal is 6’2” and weighs about 140 lbs – the bitch - I just want to hold her down and spackle her ass with about 40 lbs of Cadbury Eggs Hilly was talking about the other day. Just kidding – about the spackling part not the bitch part because she really is a bitch. Nobody likes her and if it wasn’t for her husband being our friend we wouldn’t ever have to see her again. The third woman is 8 months pregnant and has put on all of about a pound or two. The last woman, mother of two, also looks “normal” or at least is of a normal weight. Then there is me – fat-assed me – huge I really need 2 chairs me – ignore me while I suck this duck sauce off my sweater where it dripped me.

I want so badly to lose enough weight by Saturday so that the other women in the picture can at least tell that I have lost weight. Welcome Shallow Hal, come on in and take a seat in the recliner on the right. Better yet, get your ass up on that treadmill and help me lose about 20 lbs by Saturday. Did I mention that all of these women are 14 years younger than I am – no I don’t think I did – somehow it just doesn’t matter? What matters is that I can feel myself spinning out of control once again.

I’m compulsively logging in every bite that passes these lips and every little sip of every little thing including water. I’m entering in every possible food combination for the day to make sure that it totals UNDER 1200 calories and am having to struggle to keep it up around 1190 instead of 900 calories. I’m fidgeting and bouncing my legs when sitting at my desk and pacing up and down the dock when I go smoke a cigarette, walking around the house at night while hoisting 10 lb weights in each hand and jumping on the treadmill every chance I get. I’m spinning out of control. I can feel it and it is a rather familiar feeling – too familiar.

I have to tell you that it is both scary and exciting at the same time. I know what I’m capable of doing I just don’t know if I will be able to stop.